Recently I was trying to take a picture of a group. As I fiddled with my lens, adjusted my lighting, waited for the spectators in the background to move, and so forth, one of the adults finally growled at me, “Just take the picture!”

How dare he? I wanted the PERFECT picture, where lighting, smiles, bystanders and stars all aligned to create that magical, treasured portrait. He just wanted a plain picture. Anypicture. As long as everybody was in it, he was fine. We had the same goal, but the ideal end result looked different for each of us.

When I hear people talk about what a small-group relationship is or what it should be I feel this same frustration, a difference on what the ideal end result is. Some people want deep, meaningful meetings, life-changing conversations and frequent interaction with their group members before they can feel they have reached small-group utopia. Others will enjoy a meal, laugh a bit, exchange stories, and only interact occasionally but are also deeply content with their connection. Which is the ideal?

Finding the perfect format, structure, people combination and meeting schedule is impossible. Because small groups are dynamic and fluid, defining the ideal is elusive. However, good small groups and photographs have similar ingredients. Both need focus, a subject, and the ability to be flexible with changing circumstances.

Focus: There are times when I ask my children, “Why are you doing that?” and I get the irritating response of, “I don’t know”! Do you know why you’re investing time and effort in your small group or other relationships? Knowing why helps keep you motivated and dedicated. A picture without focus is unappealing and a group that cannot define its purpose is, too.

Subject: The subject of small-group relationships is people! Sometimes the process of building relationships with a group is as maddening as trying to get a 2-year old to smile and sit for a picture, but the end result is well worth the struggle. Growing, learning, laughing, grieving, celebrating together are essential elements of life and ministry. We know this but we get distracted with the other “stuff,” like structure, process and administration. Structure is necessary but it should be the background, not the subject.

Evaluate your small-group thinking. Do you have your subject – people — in focus?

Flexibility: Several years ago Kool-aid came out with a new “clear” Kool-aid which had a mystery flavor, not indicated by a color. Personally, I thought the idea was dumb. I like to know what I’m getting into before I taste it. Blue Kool-aid = blueberry. Purple Kool-aid = grape. I’m really not a “surprise me” kind of gal! However, as a small-group leader I’ve had to add some flexibility to my thinking. Because whenever people gather ,the unexpected happens.

Every good photographer knows that the ability to capture the unexpected and use it to tell a story in a picture is powerful. Similarly, every seasoned small-group leader recognizes the power in capturing the unexpected emotional outburst, the rare moment of vulnerability, the shared crisis, the spontaneous laughter at some silly mis-speak etc., and will use it to minister, regardless of the schedule or planned format.

There are times when I look at a photograph and wonder why I love it so much or why I dislike it. Likewise, what I like or don’t like in a small group is a personal preference. No two small groups will look or run the same and that’s ok. Let your group form naturally around you, with all your quirks and their uniquenesses, and then find your collective style from there.

Keep your focus, remember that people are the subject, and be flexible! Most importantly, be consistent in loving, encouraging, and supporting one another.

Rev. Jill Riley M. Ed. (jillriley.org) serves as a consultant to churches and non-profit corporations, specializing in group communication, skill development and strategic planning. Currently she is launching a church in Billings, Montana, with her husband Kyle and four children.